Here are a few of Andrew's favorite phrases of the past month:
"No"
"NO"
"No mama, no"
"I don't WANT to ____" (insert any activity here, especially horrifying ones like drinking milk)
"I don't LIKE IT"
"Don't kiss me mama"
"You put Owen down?!"
Here are some of his favorite holiday activities:
Pushing Owen
Pushing Mama
Pushing friends at school (it's gone from reactive pushing to preemptive pushing)
Not getting into his car seat
Earth shattering tantrums
Not eating dinner
Not going to sleep at night
As you can surmise from the above, Andrew's behavior has taken a nose-dive this month. He is asserting his independence, testing his limits and being an all around handful.
He's become very unpredictable; I'm now not sure how he will react in any situation and his reactions make no sense to me sometimes. Like this morning. It was about 6:30 and from his room I heard "mommy!" and I yelled from my semi-conscious state from my room, "come on in here". And he giggled and ran into the room and I pulled him into bed. Let's pause for a moment, at this point Andrew is totally happy and wants to get snuggly in bed. So cute. These moments just make your heart burst with love and make you all warm inside. Let's continue. I ask him, "wanna get toasty under the covers?", "yes mama!" he answered, I pulled up the cozy comforter over him. And this is when the scene starts to go bad. I had, apparently and inexplicably, pulled up the covers incorrectly. The switch had been flipped, Andrew was now crying, and I was frantically trying to correct the covers, taking them off, pulling them back up with varying degrees of coverage. Then Andrew starts kicking and then he kicks me in the face. Now, I really don't think he kicked me on purpose, he was mad and kicking and I was there. Nonetheless, I was done with this situation and left and asked Eric to take over. Eric was downstairs trying to have a moment of peace before we all woke up - poor Eric.
Andrew's hitting, yelling and defiance are hard to deal with. We've had to escalate the discipline. Giving Andrew a time-out really has stopped being a significant punishment and isn't stopping the bad behavior. Yelling at mom or dad or pushing anyone is not acceptable behavior ever and we are serious and quick to give Andrew consequences. Now Andrew is losing his toys when he behaves badly. Last night, Thomas and his Thomas book were put away. He'll get them back sometime today if he plays well with others.
Having to discipline Andrew (hourly it seems) has been hard on me because I miss my sweet, sweet baby boy. I know (because we've been reading, asking friends and talking to his teachers) that this is very normal behavior, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
I know a few things are contributing to the behavior. The big one is Owen. Owen is 9 months old but is still very high-need and I am carrying him a lot. Holding Owen doesn't let me hold Andrew and this is frustrating Andrew. The scene this morning probably would have been avoided if Owen wasn't in bed too.
Also Andrew has officially stopped using a passie. This was Andrew's primary soothing object. If Andrew was having a tantrum, giving him a passie was a good way to end the crying. Since we're not using the passie anymore his crying continues longer. He hasn't had one in over a week. (We lost the one we brought with us on our trip and we figured this was a good a time as any to finally move on from the passie).
On to the good stuff. Andrew is funny and becoming more and more articulate and is physically very coordinated. I will often hear giggling from Andrew and Owen in their car seats because Andrew is making Owen laugh. Usually by imitating Owen's vocal sounds or making funny faces. When we were in San Francisco and we were waiting for a cable-car (because by god, we were not going to leave S.F. without riding on a cable-car even if we had to hang on with one hand and dangle our sweet sweet babies out the side) I got down to Andrew's level to check in and ask if sees a cable-car yet and he asked me: "are you my conscience?", I did a serious double-take on that one. Turns out he had seen Pinocchio during the last parents night out. And last night Andrew started to use his push car like a scooter! Very coordinated that one.
So it's good, it's hard, but it's good.
More Andrew pictures are on Flickr!
6 comments:
Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson is on the way. Kelly is currently reading it.
Thank you!
I was going to recommend 'Dare to Dicipline' by James Dobson. Kara required very little dicipline as a child. Ryan, on the other hand, would always cross the line that had been drawn in the sand just to see what would happen. He was a very strong willed child.
Good luck with your youngen's.
I wish I had spelled discipline right the first time!
Les,
Let me start by saying that you and Eric are doing a wonderful job. It is difficult for me to imagine meeting the challenge of having babies two years apart. You are doing so with grace and patience. Your boys are wonderful, and I can see you are really relishing the fun times. As for the not so fun moments...well, I have said this before, but it bears repeating: (almost like a mantra)
This is a phase.
These behaviors will not last forever.
Somewhere in all of this, my son is figuring out the tools he needs to be the amazing person I know he is becoming.
And, of course, God grant me the serenity to not start drinking before five o'clock.
Really, in a few months, Andrew will cease to throw tantrums about sheets or car seats, he will push only occasionally, and then never, and then you will relax and say, Ah, we are moving on. He will be a delightful, capable, joy filled three year old.
Oh, and then before you know it, there will be a new phase, and you will think, I almost miss the pushing.
I think your instincts about sharing you with Owen, giving up the passie, and the age appropriateness are all on the money. Figuring out effective discipline strategies is really tricky. Robert and I try to talk through our strategies, it lends perspective and makes sure we are on the same page.
We do try and go with the logical consequence route. We try to make sure they understand exactly why or how the non-compliance is going to have an immediate affect. I tend to stretch it, as in..."if you are tired and can't show me good listening right now, it must be time for you to rest in your room by yourself." However, I really have always tried to link the "punishment" to whatever the behavior was, I feel this set-up a dynamic that I felt really solid with, and also laid the ground work for dealing with later stages.
It also works in the positive slash bribe arena, as in "The sooner you are in your car seat, the sooner I will let you choose which snack you would like." Or, "Co-operative helpers get to..." When in doubt, I had a mentor who used to say to his preschoolers when all else failed: "Okay.This is what's going to happen next..." Then he would say the desired behavior, and follow it by what would happen without compliance. It is a nice way for everyone to clearly understand.
Oh, and there is a book called Hands are Not for Hitting, or something to that effect. I would cruise the Amazon website and look for good sources. It seems much more effective to talk about these topics when they are happening in a book, and also not in the heat of the moment.
Okay, speaking of boys and their behavior, Oliver is letting me know he needs my attention. I think that if I continue typing, his asking will soon escalate to demonstrating, demanding, and possibly some delightful four year old phase behaviors...
Sending well wishes to you all, from a very soggy Santa Cruz.
We miss you already.
Rachel and the Boys
I wish that I could offer some advice but this type of issue is certainly out of my league! Maybe someday, if we ever have kids, I'll be calling/emailing you for advice! Good luck.
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